


If I Should Crash and Burn

by GlitterAndDoom



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Community: hc_bingo, Fire, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-04
Updated: 2011-07-04
Packaged: 2017-10-21 01:16:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/219289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlitterAndDoom/pseuds/GlitterAndDoom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>He would never forget how he felt when he realized Sauli wasn't breathing.</i> - After a house fire, Adam and Sauli spend a night trying to put their pieces back together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Should Crash and Burn

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the hc_bingo prompt _fire_.
> 
> (I promise, the fic I'm working on now is _nice_ to the qt and happy boyfrands. /o\\)

They'd been fighting all day that day. Stupid, insignificant things, every tiny one blowing up like bombs. Sauli was homesick and bored. Adam was busy and tired. Bed sheets turned to minefields, carpet turned to shooting ranges, the kitchen sink became a fucking war zone as they ripped each other apart with bullet-sharp words.

Late that night, the fire started.

Adam would've gladly never sang again if he got Sauli out alive, and he did through will alone, hauled Sauli's unconscious body up in his arms and carried him free. Fire clawed at his ankles and burned his skin, smoke scraped his throat and clogged his lungs, and he kept going, even as the once-beautiful house turned to Hell around them.

He would never forget how he felt when he realized Sauli wasn't breathing. Or how he felt when he woke up in the hospital and realized he'd passed out soon after he'd noticed. Before he could try to save him again.

But they were both alive. Sauli had been out of the hospital for a month, and Adam's nightmares wouldn't stop. So, Adam downed another swallow of wine and curled up deeper in the corner of his mother's couch. " I can't stop thinking about it, I—"

"Oh, honey. C'mere." His mother wrapped her arms around him, and he went, letting her pull him close. She kissed his head, and he breathed deep to compose himself, inhaling her comforting and familiar scent as she urged him to lay his head in her lap. He needed the familiar. "It's okay now."

Adam resisted the urge to shake his head and insist, " _It's not okay_." Instead, he said, "I thought I was gonna lose him. I thought…I thought he was gonna die right there, and I wouldn't be able to do a fucking thing about it, and— _mom_."

She shushed him, and began to stroke his hair, and he stared at the red scar on his arm, remembering. "He didn't. He's safe now, baby, and—" She paused to clear her throat, and he noticed how much her voice was shaking. "And so are you. You're both okay, you're both safe, and everything…everything's gonna be great for both of you after this."

He started to argue, but was interrupted by Sauli's soft, sleepy voice. "Adam?"

"Hey, honey," his mom said, while Adam collected himself. "He's over here."

Adam sat up and looked over the couch, and gave Sauli a weak smile. "What are you doing up?" he asked.

Sauli shrugged a shoulder, and Adam was struck by how small he looked, how fragile, like he was drowning inside Adam's shirt. Still too slim, Adam thought. Sauli had never been fragile before. "I woke up, and you weren't there," Sauli said, and Adam's heart twisted in his chest. "I missed you."

"I had a bad dream. Couldn't get back to sleep. Thought I'd…" He showed Sauli his empty wineglass. "Needed something to relax."

Sauli wrapped his arms around himself, hugging himself tight, and Adam ached to go to him, to pull him close and hold him forever, but the distance between them felt too great. "I want you to wake me next time."

"You need your sleep. You've been—"

"I want you to wake me," Sauli insisted, gaze intense as he spoke. "I miss you when you are not there. I miss you."

His mother nudged his side, and nodded toward Sauli, and Adam got the message. _Go to him_. He swallowed hard. "I miss you, too," he said, and got up from his seat. He started toward Sauli, and Sauli met him halfway and pulled him into a tight embrace, burying his face against Adam's bare chest.

"I'm going back to bed," his mom said, getting up and starting toward the bedroom. She stopped and stroked Sauli's back, then kissed Adam on the cheek. "Try to get some sleep, boys, and if either of you need me…"

"Thanks, Mom," Adam said, while Sauli quietly murmured, "Thank you, Leila."

She gave them one last smile, then left them alone, holding each other close. They stood in silence, simply breathing, until Adam noticed warm tears against his chest. He kissed the top of Sauli's head, and pulled back and asked, "Are you okay?"

For a moment, Sauli didn't answer, but then he shook his head, then quickly changed it to a nod. "Your heart is still beating," he said, and laid a hand on Adam's chest. "And so is mine."

But there was something else in his voice, something unspoken. "But?"

"But…I'm still scared, I think. You are not the only one who can't sleep."

Adam took the hand on his chest and lifted it to his lips for a soft kiss to Sauli's palm. "You know you can talk to me about it," he said, and Sauli nodded.

"Yes. But you do not talk to me, so I wonder if I…" He swallowed, and looked up at Adam with sad eyes. "Am I too broken for you now?"

"What?" Adam dropped Sauli's hand and caressed his face. "Baby, why would you think—"

"You are never with me anymore. You barely hold me, you barely touch me…so I wonder. Do you blame me? Do you hate me? Do you not like me anymore?"

Adam winced. "No, sweetie, no. I…" He let out a helpless noise as he tried to find his words. "You haven't…God. You're not the only one who's…sometimes I still feel like I'm in that house, like we're in that house, and I…" He pulled Sauli close again, and clung to him, rocking him in his arms. "I thought I was gonna lose you. I thought I'd fucked up, and I just…" He'd passed out. Sauli hadn't been breathing, and Adam could do nothing because he'd fucking passed out. "I keep reliving it, except I don't, and I—"

"I dream you are dead," Sauli said, and could not meet Adam's eyes. "I dream that they saved me and not you. I dream—"

"That you got out of there alive, and I didn't?" Sauli nodded. "I keep leaving you behind."

"I keep dying with you. And without you. And not dying."

Adam nodded vigorously. "And then you beat yourself up about it for days."

"Or celebrate it. You were dead, and I drank champagne and cheered at your funeral."

"I threw you back in. I set fire to your casket."

"I started the fire to kill you."

"I did the same thing." Adam shook his head, and let out a bitter laugh. "God, we're pretty fucked up, aren't we?"

"But we are alive," Sauli replied. "Aren't we? Sometimes, I wonder."

Adam looked away. "I haven't felt alive since it happened," he admitted. "I wonder if part of me died in that house."

Sauli nodded. "So do I. If part of me stayed gone when my heart stopped."

"Yeah." Adam sighed. "I miss it."

"I miss you," Sauli said. "And I miss me."

"And us." Sauli nodded again. "We haven't…" Adam motioned between them. "Can we fix this?"

"I want to," Sauli said, and took one of Adam's hands in his own, twining their fingers together. "I think we can."

Adam smiled, and for the first time in weeks, it almost felt real. "I think we can, too," he said, stroking the soft skin of Sauli's hand with his thumb, and laughed wryly. "And maybe we can sleep."

"Sleep, yes." Sauli laughed with him. "I miss sleep. And other things." His smile turned wicked, and Adam grinned and kissed his nose. Sauli made a disgusted face. " _Adam!_ "

"What?" Adam asked, feigning innocence, then reached up and tilted Sauli's chin and pressed his lips to Sauli's. "We'll make it," he said, against Sauli's soft lips. "Let's go back to bed, okay?"

Maybe he'd be right.


End file.
